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I have a job that sucks, but I won't bitch about it too much.

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Don't call yourself any of the following: witty, ambitious, down-to-earth, or humble.

Mention a few TV shows, movies, bands, and books you enjoy, but take it easy on the esoteric poetry, eight-year-old Bay Area rap lyrics, and the word I.

You could cast a wide net and sign up for every single dating site.

Or you could follow our flowchart and find the one designed to pair you with the woman (or man, or costume-wearing sex slave) of your dreams.

Besides, no lady has ever been swept off her feet by a pop-up box that says "Yo."Let's be honest: Online dating is a numbers game, and the majority of people you come across aren't going to work out for one reason or another.

Here's your getaway plan for every step along the way.

I'd end up on five or six dates in a week, sometimes scheduling Saturday brunch and dinner dates like a football player doing two-a-days to get in shape.

What would Pavlov say about a machine that lets you click a button and in return you might get the love of your life or a night of great sex? Sure, I had some apocalyptically bad dates, but most were a blast.

I think that about covers it.""Hello I am funs human from Romania. I LIVE IN MOMENT."_—Drew Magary _No pressure, but that first message is as do-or-die as it gets in online dating. "We've found that subtle self-deprecation works great," says Langston, "and that a joke works out terribly." Mention a common interest from her profile—we both like skiing! Compliment her ironic Kanye shades, sure— just not any part of her actual body._—Julianne Smolinski _You want to suck the air out of a potential first date?

I move here four years ago and make many good friend but not find special lover. We asked Grant Langston, senior director at e Harmony, for a few guidelines to keep her from clicking delete. Blow through all your conversation topics beforehand with an hours-long emoticon-filled chat session.

And then I started to hear it: that rote, robotic tone in my voice as I told that hysterical anecdote about the road trip to Nevada. The sheer mathematical volume was turning me into an asshole.

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